Siddity In The City

Mine, bitches! Mine!

So, I haven't checked my whore-o-scope today, but I suspect it says something like:

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you, Aquarius. Tricks will be up in your business trying to take your shit left and right today. Keep razors in both cheeks and under your tongue, and don't hesitate to cut a bitch.

Or something similar. Let me explain. I went shopping on 125th today, because, as much as I love the three outfits I wore all summer because I still haven't gotten around to moving the bulk of my wardrobe to my new place, it's getting chilly fast, and I need some sweaters and jeans, dammit. First stop, Rainbow, where I spent a good half hour of my precious time sorting through stacks and stacks of sweaters that the sign said were $7.99, but apparently, somewhere in fine print, said "selected styles only." Or so the grouchy counter hussy spat when I asked if the $7.99 price was right. Goddamn. I got two $8 turtlenecks and one $15 sweater and moved on to Lane Bryant. ** Now, I went to LB, frankly, because I had one of their special $15 off coupons. I love these coupons, because the minimum you have to spend is $15, unlike some places that require you to spend, like, twice that to use the coupon, which ain't right. Over the summer I got some fancy underpants for a buck fiddy thanks to one of those coupons. Now, I don't know how hard these coupons are to come by, because I am a fatty from way back, and I've been shopping at LB since I was 13, and LB mails me these little coupon cards all the time. But I swear, I felt like women were following me around the store salivating over my coupon. It was weird. Like, "whisper whisper $15-off coupon whisper," and I'd look up, and the whisperers would look at me all shifty-like. For a minute I thought I was gonna have to throw down to defend my discount. But then I thought, I'm just being silly. Who would try to scam somebody's coupon? Oh, the other thing you should know about this coupon: the more you spend, the bigger the discount. So spend less than $75, get $15 off; spend $75-149, get $25 off, spend $150+, get $50 off. Not rocket science, and not a new feature. Now, I take my $80 worth of unmentionables (nope, I didn't find a single skirt, sweater or pair of jeans in my size that I liked. What the hell is up with the dearth of size 14 isht, BTW? I mean, I know it's the most popular size in the country, but I also know they have buyers, dammit, who could order more 14s, so they don't run the hell out, or is 14 really that popular?) to the counter and hand the counter-bitch my coupon. Counter-bitch (looking at the mail card as though it will bite, and refusing to take it) : Tear the coupon off. Me (tearing it off thinking, oooooookay, somebody's got their Sexy...Sensual...Cacique drawers in a twist) : Um, okay. I hand just the coupon to her. The coupon she then proceeds to ignore in order to manually subtract $15 from my tally, and tells me I owe her, like $70. Which I know I don't, 'cause ain't a bitch in Dodge can out sale-deduction-calculate me, dammit, and I've done the math and I know I only owe about $55 plus tax, and while tax in NYC is out of control, it ain't that much. Me: Didn't I reach $75 worth of stuff? Counter-bitch (sucking teeth) : Yeah? Me: Well, aren't you supposed to get $25 off when you spend over $75? Counter-bitch (now adding a huff and eyeroll, finally picks up my coupon to scan, and never once apologizes for trying to overcharge me, or generally being a bitch): $60. Now, what the hell was that? I know she can read, and I know she'd been working at LB long enough to know how that damn coupon worked. And then she had the nerve to be pissy when I called her on her error. That's when I start to believe I'm not being paranoid about folks wanting to take my coupon, 'cause I think she was planning to enter a manual discount for me and then scan my coupon for a friend or something. I was in there for a long ass time and none of those heifers I thought were stalking me had left yet...they could have been her friends, circling the store like coupon-scamming buzzards.... Shady shit, man. And then, shady shit experience #2. This woman comes by my place of bidness, if you will, because circumstance has thrown us together on an, er, project. She seems really friendly at first, very nice. We chat about our jobs, our respective employment situations. She's a bit more candid about her position than I'm comfortable with, though, a bit too effusive about my boss, who she's met once before, and a bit too curious about the specifics of my position. Finally, it comes out that she's given notice at her job without finding another. Red-emeffing flag. Double goddamn. Is this heifer casing my job? I wasn't sure, but I wasn't about to give her any more details than I had to. Okay, I must here admit to buying Cosmo every January to get the yearly astrology guide, and I know it's bullshit, but sometimes things stick in your head, and I distinctly remember mine saying that some time in the fall (I think it said September, but how could astrology ever work if you worried about such minor details) somebody at work was gonna try to buddy up to me for some nefarious reason, and if I stayed close-lipped and bided my time, her true diabolical motivation would be revealed. So naturally when this woman came into my space being all chummy-chummy "let's trade stories," I was suspicious, and sure enough! Diabolical. Also, it's easier to imagine this is the scary nefarious incident rather than that one has already passed and some sinister plan of which I'm unaware has already been set in motion. Hm. But anyway. Mine, bitches! Mine! **All this is on 125th Street, along with Ashley Stewart, Strawberry, H&M, Marshall's, Mony, and various other chubette and discount-hoochie gear shops. Take the A, B, C, or D to 125th. You could take the 1 or 9, but you will have to walk through some shady areas to get to the main shopping drag, and by the time you leave, you will believe your name is in fact "Ma," whether you've hatched a munchkin or not.

posted by Sid @ 10/11/2004 08:01:00 PM