Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Return of the Mac...MacGangsta!*

Loaf Originally uploaded by Siddity.

A key turns in a rusty lock, grudingly, haltingly. The lock gives. A door swings open on a dark and dusty room. A lone figure stands, a silhouette in the doorway, peering in, eyes adjusting to the dim light. The figure enters, draws a white-gloved fingertip along a dusty surface, examines the smudge. Peers around again in disbelief. This place, once home, once so well kept, has fallen into disrepair, untended, neglected, unloved. The figure inhales, as if to sigh. *I don't beleedis shit! No this bitch did not let my blog get like this!* Loaf is back. Bitches. Loaf: *Looks around at the cobwebs and filth laying around SITC, eyes wide with disbelief. Er, disbelee* Aw, hell naw! Is unexpressed grievance? *Spins around to take in the other side of the room* Is that an unphotographed pair of hooka-heels buried under that unreviewed trip to Chicago? Right thurr, next to that heap of unopened Sephora products? Shit, are those...boxes...of...frozen...dinners?!?!?!?! AW, HELL NAW! Where is this bitch?!?! Where is she! *Stares menacingly and stalks about the room, begins to overturn stacks of un-reviewed CDs, unmocked advertisements and Sci-Fi Channel listings, and stacks and stacks of homoerotic beefcake photos* At the rear of the room, there is movement in a pile of ~~~r3a11Y !rr!t@t!nG Bl0g temPl@te$***~~~ and frozen pureed vegetables. A moan, faint but audible, breaks the silence. Loaf, worried something horrible has happened, perhaps a gang of beefy toughs (maybe from the Cubesteak crew) has come looking for him, and, finding him gone, assalted poor Sid instead) rushes to the pile and kneels, carefully, preparing to forgive all if only she is alright, unharmed. Instead of a woman pounded to mincemeat, he finds her slumped, wearing a stinky tee shirt she got for free-with application, a pair of yellow flip-flops, three-day-old jeans and unwashed hair, clutching a glass of bubbling amber liquid. Loaf: Da hell? What's in the glass, Sid? Sid: Jameson and ginger-ale. Bitches. Loaf, assessing the situation, ignoring the insult: I think you've had enough. Gimme that. Sid: No! 'Smine! You cain't hah' nunnadis delishusness. *sways, sloshes drink* Loaf: This is worse than I thought. No updates, no home cooking, no real insults for like, two weeks? What has gotten into you? How could you let yourself go like this, let the blog go like this? Sid: Piss off, Crusty. You ain't a part of it no more. You lef'. So whaddayou care? *tips glass for another swig* Loaf, knocking drink from her hand and grabbing her by the collar: Get it together woman! *SHAKE, SLAP, SLAP* You have a blog to run! *SLAP, SHAKE, SLAP* Make me a sandwich! *SLAP, SLAP, SHAKE* Sid, sputtering with shock: STOPPIT, DAMMIT! ALRIGHT, STOP HITTING ME! *Loaf stops, looks her in the eye, and pops her once more* Sid: Shit, what was that for?! Loaf: For calling me Crusty. And not calling me when thangs got bad. I mean, I know we had a fight and shit, but you coulda still called a brotha to step in and bread up when you need a hand. I'da risen to the occasion. Damn. That's what friends are for. Sid, misty eyed: You mean that, Loaf? Are we, you know, still...friends? I mean, after you left, so much happened and I just didn't know how to handle it all and I just got so mad, and then sad, and then...I don't know. It all sorta fell apart...without you. Loaf: Yeah, I did a lot of thinking while I was traveling, and things wasn't the same without you, neither. Kinda lonely, without you to fight with. Plus, this heffa kept following me around, everywhere I went, trying to butter me up for something nasty. St. Louis, Seattle, Udaho. Everywhere. Sid: Ooooh, nasty like what? Also, it's Idaho. Loaf: Ain't that what I said? Udaho. I don't know exactly what that fool wanted, she said something about peanut butter and anchovies, and I ain't tryina mess with those bitches at the same time, nahmean? Sid, nodding her understanding: I'm glad you're back, Loaf. I think I...missed you. Loaf: I misseded you, too. Bitch. *hugs* Now let's get you and this place cleaned up.

Sid: Okay. Thanks for coming back. Bitch.

Loaf, smiling: Don't push it. I'm just passing through. I checked your shit out from the Singapore airport--you been there? That place is the shiznizzizit!--and it just looked...sad. I mean, no substance, no complaints, some serious desperation in that beefcake, and hello, where is Chicago? Damn! I had to come back.

Sid: Okay, I get it. I've been busy. I'll update first thing in the morning. Damn. Can I live? Can I live?

Loaf: Alright. I'm just sayin'. Get on it. I will train you, keep you on course, be your shaolin wu-tang blog sensei and shit, clean alladis bad, uh, chi and shit out of your, uh, fang-sho. And shit.

Sid, looking momentarily defiant, then, grudgingly, sheepish: What the hell are you--

Nope. You're right. I have to let this all go. I'll do better. Tomorrow, with a clear head and lightning-quick keystrokes, I will make a change!

Loaf: That's the spirit! Now make me that sammich, grasshopper bitch.

To be continued.... *Nope, made no sense to me, either.


At 6/21/2005 01:08:00 AM, Blogger K. said...

Whooo! It's Loaf! Welcome back! Bitch.

At 6/21/2005 04:08:00 AM, Blogger Mary said...

Sid: No! 'Smine

LOL Oh my goodness. That whole thing was hilarious. Udaho. *wipes tear* Glad to see ya'll made up!

At 6/21/2005 05:58:00 AM, Blogger chantedx said...

whilst in Chicago, something must of entered your cerebral cortex, which offen happens to outsiders,fear not all will be well, in accordance with the prophecy!
p.s.....and bring me my sammich!!

At 6/21/2005 10:00:00 AM, Blogger Will said...


Lemme just say you made my day with this entry.

That is all.


At 6/21/2005 02:20:00 PM, Blogger Viv said...

YAAAAY! The little shriek of joy you're hearing from the Midwest is me. Now get to work bitch!

At 6/22/2005 09:44:00 AM, Blogger Zantiferous3 said...

OMG... that was sooo damn funny. I can't take it. You are sooo crazy!!!! ROFLMAO I just realized that I missed Loaf!!! LOL

Oh and you should have slapped his ass for rolling up in there unannounced before ya'll made up... Hmmph... LOL


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