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Saturday, July 23, 2005

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka!

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate factory today. It was wonderful, I loved it, Johnny Depp is great, Tim Burton's a genius, no one I know is or should be attracted to the oompa loompa *cough*...*cough* all is right with the world. But this isn't about the movie. This is about my (not really) righteous indignation (okay, minor grumpifiance) over the state of movie going affairs! Actually, it isn't, because Mr. Death said it already, better than I ever could. But I still got gripe, yo. So, first, let me point out that, as some people have probably learned, I am rather particular about where I sit in a theater. I like to sit within the first six or seven rows, preferably around row five, and if at all feasible, dead center. That way, I don't have to deal with other people next to me (usually) no one sits in front of me (usually), and the whole experience is just me and the screen. Sometimes. But sometimes not. Sometimes, the force just ain't with me. Take tonight, for instance. I went to see a much-hyped film only in its second week, at 9 on a Saturday night. Admittedly, that was foolish. But I took precautions. I bought tickets before 8, went to the Food Emporium next door and got my theater nosh (yeah, I'm ghetto like that, what!), came back and stood in line with all the other movie-going whores who show up an hour before a movie begins. And when they opened those glorious doors, I got the perfect seat. Dead center, fifth row. Movie heaven. I was early as hell, but hey, that's the price you pay for the perfect seat, right? Foreshadow, foreshadow. The theater begins to fill around me. This is, of course, to be expected. I'm good, I got my seat. People to my right, with a seat between us. It's okay, I'm not feeling crowded. Then, someone appears to my left. It's a little man, bearing little-man accoutrements. "Is this seat taken?" he asks politely, about the seat to my left. "No." "What about the one on the other side of you?" Oh godmotherfuckingdamn, this man is not about to ask me to move! "Nope." "Would you mind moving down one?" Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes, say yes you mind, bitch! I think. "I guess." GODDAMN! Why does that polite shit come out? GODDAMN! I mean, it's just one seat, right? Just the one? I'll only be a little off center, right? (To my bitch-credit, it took me, like, a whole minute to actually make up my mind to move.) Of course, as soon as I moved down that one seat, some big blonde lady and her boyfriend plop themselves into the seats right in front of me. So now I'm not in the middle and I have two loud, tall people all up in my line of sight. I tried to stick it out, but that shit just pissed me off. I mean, I pay $11 goddamn dollars and show up an hour early to sit where I want, dammit, and all these people come in fuckin' it all up! Argh! This is, of course, the monologue that runs through my mind as I eye the dead center, third row seat that is empty up ahead. But I am trying to not let little shit get my panties in a twist, which I think is called being zen or something, so I sit in my little just-right-of-center-with-bighead-blondes-in-front seat. And then I hear one of the party that moved me over for their convenience say this: "You know, I just really like to be centered." OHGODMOTHERFUCKINGDAMNNOTHEYDIDNOTJUST-- So I moved to the third row, center seat, quick as hell, before I hurt anybody and/or that bitch was taken. Of course, immediately after I sat in row three, a woman shows up with her three-year-old (who takes a child that age out after 9, seriously, people?) and plops him down beside me. Thankfully, the child was absolutely adorable, and totally silent once the previews started. Jesusgod, really, people, if you know you're rolling with a crew to a prime-time, just-released film, show your asses up early enough to get decent seats so you ain't moving other folks all around. Damn. Shit like that makes me crazy. That's how folks get shot in movie theaters! Okay, it's not, but it still irks the shit outta me. Yes, I know, the no swearing bit lasted all of two posts, what of it? Also, does anybody else think Johnny Depp looked like Faye Dunaway in this movie?

8 Comments:

At 7/24/2005 01:52:00 AM, Blogger Berry said...

Hey! I went to the movies tonight too but saw Batman. They weren't showing Willie Wonka at the theater I went to. Wow, I thought I was the only irritable biatch that hates it and thinks it is very rude and inappropriate to ask someone to move over for your convenience when your ass shows up as the preview start showing. I.HATE.THAT!!! I also like the center seats but didn't strategize it as thoroughly as you did. Glad the 3rd row seat was available and you didn't wind up with a crook in your neck

 
At 7/25/2005 03:53:00 AM, Blogger Zantiferous3 said...

*GASP* HE DOES!!!! HE REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE FAYE!!!! =)

 
At 7/25/2005 09:26:00 AM, Blogger princessdominique said...

I love Johnny too, have been following him since 21 Jump Street. Will definitely have to put this on the must see list.

 
At 7/25/2005 09:28:00 AM, Blogger divine m said...

Hey! Those oompalieloompas are indeed kee-ute, no? Okay, so the guy's not exactly hot. . . .

 
At 7/25/2005 12:00:00 PM, Anonymous Shasta MacNasty said...

Ok. I'm really, really mad you said Johnny Depp looks like Faye. Seriously! It's FRIGHTENING! AGGRRRHHGHGHGHGH!

And you know what? People get shot for less, so if peeps get shot in the theatre for some dumb selfish shit...well...you know...shit happens yo.

 
At 7/26/2005 12:57:00 PM, Blogger dayna said...

I'm in the office trying to read blogs on the DL and actually laughed out loud while reading your blog....all (office) heads turned towards me. Too Funny...I reviewed this movie on my sight and actually used Faye Dunaway's name but for a different reason..maybe subconsiously I thought the same thing.

 
At 7/27/2005 12:34:00 AM, Blogger ding said...

i have stopped being polite. why should we be inconvenienced because some dumbass planned badly?

so now, i put my bag on the seat next to me and lie. BALDLY. "sorry. someone's sitting there."

i also tell people to be quiet.

 
At 7/28/2005 03:58:00 AM, Blogger chantedx said...

that's why I no longer go to the movies!

 

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