Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Pouting and bitchery to commence in T-minus 3...

My allergies are laughing so hard at me right now. And given the propensity of advertising agencies to anthropomorphize every irritant aspect from phlegm to toenail fungus, I hereby present you with "GodmotherfuckingdamnitifIdon'tstopsneezingIwillKILLsomething,Iswear!" A play in three acts: Sid, spring cleaning: Good heavens, but it is dusty in here. I shall tie a hankie over my nose and mouth so as not to breathe in the dust. My, aren't I clever! Ha ha ha! Allergies, mid-stretching and calisthenics, warming up for the big show: Ha ha ha indeed, foolish femme! You underestimate our might. We have been waiting years for this, our big break, training rigorously since that one time you almost had an asthma attack and died on Harvard Yard on your way to work. That was our initial sneak attack, to assess your weaknesses. Oh how we wish you had been felled in that battle, the mighty bulldog slain by limp-wristed Cantab contagion! But no. You walked slowly, took copious OTC drugs, and persevered, defeating us in days. But we are back! Do you think a little silk hankie will stop us? Mais non! Ha ha ha!" End Act I. Sid, later that evening: Oh my heavens! I do feel a touch of a tickle in my throat, a dribble from my nose! Perhaps if I have some nice tea...nay, some nice scotch and Benadryl, these allergies will desist whilst I sleep! Ha ha ha! Allergies: Ha ha ha! The wench stupefies us with her inanity! Let us away to her sinus cavity! End Act II. Time passes, our protagonist sleeps...for four hours. Cue morning light. Sid, awakening, mouth-breathing and staring blearily at alarm clock: What the shit? It's 6 o'clock in the goddamn morning. The hell am I doing...Aaaahblechookkkkkkbrrrr! Ow. Cramps, too. Fucking great. Rummaging in medicine cabinet. Aleve for the cramps, or Claritin for the allergies...don't want to mix them...(Middle beset by horrible stab of pain) Aleve. Sleeps. Time passes. Sid awakened again by the inability to draw breath through her nose, glancing at clock: Are you shitting me? 7:00? I slept for an hour? Stumbles from bed to bathroom, returns with roll of toilet paper. Blows nose vigorously and, sinuses clear, promptly returns to sleep. And again: The hell? Eight-unclefucking-thirty?! Blows honker, dozes. Again: Ah, feck it. Surely it's okay to take a Claritin, now. Allergies: Get ready, chums! We will show her we are made of sterner stuff! Sid, Claritin Reditab melting mintily on tongue: Hm. That should do it. Sneezing. Any minute now... Allergies snicker, and left nostril explodes. I'm sure this should kick in soon, it's been a good half-hour. Hopeful look. Allergies titter. Right nostril collapses in upon itself, throat dries out. Oh my god, it isn't going to work. Weeps. Allergies, laughing uproariously: And you can only take one every 24 hours! Now you must suffer! Or risk mixing it with two more Benadryl and pass out at work, confirming suspicions of all and sundry that you are indeed a drug-addled scatterbrain! Ha ha ha! Sneezing. Dry lip splits. Sid: Damn it! All I get from Claritin is a split lip and cotton mouth? Son of a- Sneeze. Sid: Bitch. Fin. ***** If you wish to enhance the reading of this piece, feel free to fill a spray bottle with salt water and egg whites and shoot the mixture into your face every 74 seconds. Also? My poor abused nose has not been this red since my last make-out session, with a partner who seemed to be averse to shaving on the regular. Except now there is no one to kiss it better. Not that anyone would, given its frequency of eruption. Blast it. For the life of me, I can't remember why I didn't spend this time doing something more useful, like filing my toenails into a more aesthetically pleasing, rounded shape, or looking for a job. Wanders off.


At 5/23/2006 03:53:00 PM, Blogger Mary said...

AHAHAHA Fill a spray bottle with salt water and egg whites! Too funny! Only, I'm in the same allergy ridden boat. I must have sneezed 82 times already today. Sigh. Hope you feel better.

At 5/24/2006 12:09:00 AM, Blogger Viv said...

Wow. Why does that sound like how I feel with my allergies?

And can I produce that play with sock puppets?

At 5/24/2006 08:50:00 AM, Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

HILARIOUS!!! And ... believe it or not .... I actually read this WHOLE post -- even though it exceeds my 4-paragraph-maximum attention span!!! :)

We should get together soon. The weeks are crazy (tempting in the day, followed by evening classes).

Are you free next weekend? (1st one in June)

At 5/24/2006 10:11:00 AM, Blogger Mahogany Elle said...

Hilarious... and my thoughts exactly. Oh itchy eyes and scratchy nose, whilst thou torment me, what can I do?

At 5/24/2006 09:11:00 PM, Blogger Sid said...

Mary: yep. It's that season.

Viv: Totally. As long as the allergies are your gungiest, stankiest bastard evil socks covered in kitties or something. Eeeevil allergies!

Stolie: Woot! I rarely ramble on for this long, I won't make a habit of it, promise. We should do something. I'm actually free all this weekend (miracle) but only one day next weekend...and that evening I'm going to a birthday party. Which means, you free for brunch/early dinner on June 3? LoL

Mam'selle Elle: Seriously. Allergies are the bastard whoresons of illegitimate donkey humpers. Yes, I hate them.

At 5/29/2006 11:49:00 AM, Anonymous Lisa said...

Oh my gawd! Funny!!! :-)
I'm just some random person who typed in "siddity" on google and found your blog. You made me laugh and I needed to. Thank you!


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