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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Bitch-in-Kitch V: Saag

Loaf Originally uploaded by Siddity.

Sid: After two weeks of intensive behavior modification therapy, I feel Loaf has improved his attitude enough to present this one on his own. Loaf, take it away. Loaf: Namaste, my friends! This week, the lovely and gracious Miss Sid and I would like to present you with our recipe for Vegan Saag. We do hope you enj- *phone rings in background, Sid checks caller ID* Sid: Oh, crap. Loaf, I have to take this in the other room. It looks like you've got everything under control, here, anyway. *Sid exits* *Loaf, checking to be sure she's gone, looks around, then turns back to the computer with an evil grin* Loaf: Ha-HA! Wassup, bitches?! Y'all missed me? We got to hurry the hell up and do tha damn thang, 'cuz I don't know when this heffa's gon' come back, so listen up. This' whatcha need: *reading recipe notes* 2 tbsp. veggible oil--Got it. 2 tbsp. cumin--Got a assadat. 3 bay leaves--Got it. 1/2 c chopped tomato--Da hell? We ain't got it. So, 1/2 c. Hunts tomato sauce, instead. Bitches. 1 c. chopped onion *checking fridge* Ain't this a blip? This bourgie bitch ain't got no damn onions. She got fitty million shallots, but no damn onions. Sheeeeit. A'ightden, a cup o' damn chopped shallots. Ain't nothin' but siddity onions, no way. 1 clove garlic, minced 2 in. grated fresh ginger-- Sonofabitch. Playin' all big chef an' shit and ain't got no damn grater, neither? I gotta chop this shit myself. Imma mess this bitch up one day, watch. 1 1/2 tbsp. coriander--I think I dated her once. 1 1/2 tsp. garam masala--I definitely dated her, more than once. *starts humming "Magic Stick"* 1 1/2 tsp turmeric--That's my boy! He yellow, but he aight. 1 tsp. hot curry powder 2 frozen blocks of spinach, thawed 1 head cauliflower--Does the bitch own stock or some shit? Can we have a damn dish without cauliflower in it? 1 15.5 oz. can chickpeas 3/4 stick of butter--and 1/4 cup milk--I know earlier I said vegan, but that shit is nasty, so to hell with that. She need to be glad I ain't put no hamhocks up in this bitch. Salt to taste and shit. First, fry the onions, garlic, bay leaves, 1/3 of the cumin and all the ginger up in the oil. You know, saute that shit. Oh, no, wait. Boil the hell out of the cauliflower first, and cut off the stem and shit, and drain the water out when it's done. Then fry that other shit. In separate pans, bitches, separate pans. Put the butter, thawed spinach, tomato sauce, and all the other spices in the pan with the onion--I mean shallot--shit. Saute it like a muhfuggah. When that shit start smellin' all good and shit, dump it all in the big pot with the cauliflower and stir it up. Add the chickpeas. Stir that up. Toss in some milk and like, 1/8 of a cup of water so that shit gets a sauce and don't burn. Cover that bitch, turn the heat down real low, and simmer it for, like, a half hour, during which time, feel free to get krunk as a muhfuggah. You should. Cuz ain't no meat in this bitch, and if you krunk when you eat it, you might not notice. I said might. *Sid returns, peeks in the pot, sniffs the air appreciatively, and smiles* Sid: Wow, Loaf, that smells great! Everything work out okay? Loaf: Oh, everything went just fine. I had to make a few last minute substitutions, but the dish is more than satisfactory. I was just finishing up the directions with our friends. As I was saying, friends, this is a wonderfully nutritious dish filled with fiber, protein and iron. I'd suggest serving it with the rice of your choice, and following it up with a hot, tasty cup of chai. Bon appetit! Sid: Great job, Loaf! Loaf: Thanks! Bitches.

Basis for recipe found here.

4 Comments:

At 3/30/2005 07:14:00 AM, Blogger Will said...

My Dearest Sid...

You (and Loaf, of course...bitches!) should NOT have me laughing so damn hard at 7AM!!!! That was hilarious! Not gonna try that vegan stuff...but hilarious nonetheless.

You are priceless!!! LOLOL

 
At 3/30/2005 01:30:00 PM, Anonymous Ayana said...

Loaf, ummm, I'm sure you get asked this a lot, but are you single? I mean, I know you live in NYC and I'm in Chi-town, but I figure we could make it work. I think you're really cute "sigh" and you know I could send you like a picture of me and if, you know, you like it you could call me . . .

 
At 3/30/2005 02:12:00 PM, Blogger Sid said...

Loaf says:

Will, I feel you bruh. I ain't tryin' to eat vegan, neither. I wish to hell this bitch would make a steak, just once! Shit. A man don't eat veggibles. A man eats meat!

'Yana, ain't no need to send pichures, baby, I already seen some shots online, and I always got time fo the sistas. Holla at me on my sidekick and shit.

Sid: Loaf, you're a slice of bread. The only "sistas" you got are Bisquick and Aunt Jemima.

Loaf: Bitch, don't interfere with my game, cuz I will cut you. Just cuz you can't handle alladis don't mean you can hold me back from the honeys.

Sid: You are fucking demented. I'm so sick of you're crumby lip, Loaf, that's it. You're toast!

*scuffle breaks out...*

The end. Or IS IT?

 
At 3/30/2005 02:35:00 PM, Blogger Zantiferous3 said...

I posted a comment, but it didn't work, for whatever reason... anyhoo... I'm sooo mad at YOU and Loaf. Just the very fact that his name is Loaf is killing me. ROFLMAO you are a bonafide fool. LOL

 

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