Siddity In The City

This post couldn't make less sense if you threw it into a sack with a possum, a pie and some herb, set it on fire and then beat it with a stick.

I haven't had a useful or interesting thing to say lately. Which doesn't stop me from saying plenty, anyway. Continuing along those lines, I'm jacking X's/Will's odd crush meme, and talking shit about some other irrelevant things. But first things first. Look at this little drinky-drink shaker I got at Target for a dollar! Cute, nah? Her little thought bubble says "Shake it up!" Now, on to the crushes. As I have exposed plenty of crushes I'm sure people have thought were friggin' bizarre, yet for which I am totally unashamed and unrepentant (Eddie Izzard, Eddie Izzard, and Eddie Izzard, but screw off, I can't think of anyone else who can make the Pope, transvestites and monkeys funny as hell all in the same set. Sometimes, in French. Bad french, but still French.), I figured I'd make this about some totally reasonable crushes. Oh forget it. I've just realized all of my crushes are bizarre. 1. Salman Rushdie I think Midnight's Children might have been the first book--or really creative work in general--I ever encountered that I found to be so moving and wonderful and exciting and important that I not only understood the appeal of mortgaging your soul for talent; I also understood how one could become a groupie. Nevermind the fact that the man looks like a hoary little satyr. I read that book and wanted to marry him. I still would. I love him. 2. Jeff Ament, Pearl Jam Sometimes, when I'm working out, just a-bouncin' away on the damned elliptical machine at top speed, I close my eyes and shut out every sensation save the feel and sound of his bassline and for the duration of the song, I'm nothing but that bass. 3. Cliff Curtis Even as "Uncle-fucking-Bully!" in Once Were Warriors, I was oddly drawn to him. Which is saying a lot since, in that film, Uncle Bully is a sick drunken child rapist. Ick. But Cliff Curtis is not! He's crookedly hot! 4. Slash. Since I was 12. Then, now and forever. Deal. 5. Alan Rickman and John Malkovich. These two seem to hold the same appeal for me--the appeal of the older, baselessly condescending, slightly effete, intellectual sneery old man. An appeal which I cannot explain, but which I believe may be the key to many deep, dark and painful secrets, secrets so painful and deep I have locked them away in the darkest corners of mind, secrets which can only be unlocked after several years of intensive therapy. But I can't afford that. So It'll just have to be a fucking mystery. 6.5. Shia LeBoeuf. I feel so dirty. But it is a totally skeeveless asexual crush. 7. Rick James...I mean, Dave Chappelle. Bitch! 8. Conan O'Brien and John Stewart. Funny haha and funny-brilliant. 9. Rory Breaker. Not the actor who played Rory Breaker. Rory Breaker the character. "If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it," Rory Breaker. 10. Caryl Phillips. He is brilliant. Impeccable. Multi-talented. And the man can dress. I went to a reading he had at Harvard a few years back. I got him to sign my copy of A New World Order, but it took a glass of chardonnay to even get me that far. I think I managed some really stupid, stupid comment. I'm still smacking my head over that one. What I'd meant to say was, "Please, Mr. Phillips, sir, when I start my Creative Writing MFA at Columbia *snort, as if*, will you be my advisor? No? Well, will you advise THE PARTY IN MY PANTS?!" Stupid, yes, but trust me, heaps sharper than what I actually said. *Aside: You know, I just looked over his touring schedule and noticed he was at Yale last week. What. The. Fuck? Why does everyone hit Yale after I've left? Know who else has been all up in the boola-boolaid since I left in '00? Rushdie. Hillary Clinton. And on and on. It ain't right.* It is so past my bedtime.

posted by Sid @ 4/12/2005 12:54:00 AM