Deep down, I really just want to be Angelina Jolie.
Which is perhaps why I almost took a lover today. *Snort. I can't believe I just used that phrase.* I considered it, very seriously, then called it off at the last minute (okay, hourish) because the situation really just wasn't right. Or wise. Or something. But I'm still considering the arrangement, in general. And it looks rather appealing. Show of hands, ladies: Who's (willing to admit to having) taken a lover? (Feel free to anonymize!) How'd you meet? In the introduction sense as well as the rendez-vous sense. How'd that pan out for you? Okay? Went all to shit? Any advice? Happy...whatever.
posted by Sid @ 2/28/2006 11:00:00 PM
9 Comments:
I've taken a few. Well worth it at the time. Although now I think I'm looking for more depth. I can, however, imagine taking a different kind of lover--one who is capable of kindness and care in a way someone mixed up in one's day-to-day affairs cannot be.
But if it's just fuckin' you're after . . . well, be careful with your heart, my dear.
The erotic friendship has been a lifelong experiment of mine, and it rarely works out the way I plan. . . .
I've taken a lover (I feel SO Anais Nin writing that). It was fantastic and sterile at the same time. Fantastic in that he opened me up to pleasures I didn't know I'd like, and to this day wish I could do again. Sterile because there was no very little emotional connection. We went out to dinner one night before he moved from Chicago. He told me I was the only woman he'd been with, and told of his impending departure that wasn't crying and begging him to stay. My response to that was he never gave me anything to get that attached to. I sipped my wine and wished him happy travels. Now, understand that I am the most emotional person on the face of the planet. When I was on a LDR I cried everytime when I had to leave. Actually, I cry when someone looks at me the wrong way. But with this person, it was truly the perfect mix. We had great sex. We didn't date. There was none of that "friends with benefits" foolishness/feel-good symantics going on. I would visit he place, we'd have dinner, we'd have sex. Occasionally he'd call me from Switzerland or Prague to say hello. I think this relationship worked because aside from our sexual compatibility, mutual attraction, and basic "like" and respect for each other, there was no connection. We had enough to have short post-coital conversation, but nothing ever deep or anything to bond us together. I actually thought it was very sweet and enjoyed the chats. But unless he planned to actually take me with him, I wasn't going to get attached. ;) He was very respectful of me, my needs, and my bounderies. He had a KICK ASS condo full of vibrant color, his own art, and everything else essential to making someone want to fuck your brains out on the sofa. So yeah, JS was the ideal lover in that sense. Also, while I was having sex with him, I was out and about dating. Of course, those that I would go out on dates with, I absolutely did not have sex with. JS actually helped take that "edge" off for me. And dating people that had long-term potential fulfilled my need to connect with someone.
It was a pretty good set up while it lasted. :) Sometimes memories appear, I smile, and think to myself, "Damn...don't think I'll ever find anybody who could do THAT. Damn." Then I call JS and leave him a hateful voicemail for taking me to the edge of desire that I'm not convinced most men can touch. :)
Yeah, lovers can be fun... :::fading into dream sequence:::
Sorry for making a blog post out of your comments.
i want one! i would take one.
i almost had one but he was way too emotionally invested for us to continue and i had to break it off. and i'll tell you, it's no fun being dumped-but it's *really* no fun being the dumper. because you're the one who has to take action, and if you don't like the outcome, it's no one's fault but your own. anyway. i would have kept it going if he could have kept his heart out of it.
the situation definitely has to be just right. everyone has to be on the same page. and that's tough. which is why i think heidi fleiss is sort of genius to open her stable of boys in vegas: i think some modern women would love to have a man devote a set amount of time to pleasuring them - and would pay well for it. that being said, i don't know that i would trust heidi to choose that man for me...
but the idea of the gigolo sometimes seems attractive to me... someone skilled, attentive and focused - in a scenario where you both know what the boundaries are... i know we're talking about a different sitch here, just my two cents. and maybe it's the consumer/capitalist in me, but somehow it seems like when there's an open transaction it clarifies everything.
a few months ago someone was telling me how some cruise ships hire "silver foxes" - older gentlemen who are impeccably groomed and good dancers, to hang out at the bar and dance/flirt with the women. and to be honest, this doesn't seem like a bad idea. you're there to have a good time! (although i would sort of want to know beforehand who's a silver fox and who's just a skeevy perv).
speaking of male prostitution (and i know i'm the only one who is), ever see the movie "sonny" with james franco?
I've had two of those "lurvers" (the word lover reminds me of greazy hair, smarmy gold medallions, and tight, white disco pants) that worked out quite nicely--it was trying to do the FWB thing with people that always seemed to backfire in one way or another.
At this juncture in my life I'm this or that--I either want to be alone or I want a relationship with someone~the in betweens just aren't cuttin' it for me anymore.
I've had a lover type situation before. It was VERY nice; while it lasted... she'd come over to my pad after she got off her waitressing job and had her kid setup with the sitter. We'd have discussed any role playing or pleasures we'd like to have or share etc... then tuesday night would come and it was a happener. Then she'd go home. She stayed away a couple of tuesdays when she got too attached and would stop by when she got that under control and in perspective. I was very clear about what I had to offer her and was willing to give her of myself. In tghe end it was good for both of us. I got past some issues. She did too. So much so taht she started to date a nice boy and is married to him today. She calls me every now and again to see how I am doing which I appreciate alot. As a caution, be careful with whom you treat and be painfully blunt up front. If it starts to go bad. Walk away. At 35 I have only found this ideal situation once and I remember it/her fondly.
Thanks for sharing, y'all. Interesting points, all. M--you prolly know me best here, and your words are taken well to heart. G--I know, I still want one! We're in negotiations at this point, sorta. I'm not sure how I feel yet. But funny you mention the pay-for-play boy toys. I've got my new friend's occupation listed in my cell contacts as "manwhore deluxe." Hm. Funny how it is easier to fathom sex without love as commodity, a financial transaction, than as just shared pleasure.
Shas--blog away. You know we will be discussing this in-depth in a few weeks, right? So get ready, lol
QGM--good point. I'm not trying FWB, though, so this shouldn't go to hell in that sense. He's a conservative (hahahahahaha!) so there's plenty to keep us from getting too cozy, i think. lol.
anon--thanks for weighing in. i hadn't really thought about the male perspective, but it is valuable. Clarity is good.
yes! do it!
ha.
uh, yeah i've done this and, let me tell you: if you don't have the mental fortitude for it, don't take it on.
my Lurver and i met online (heh) and we were totally up front about what we wanted: a sexual relationship without the commitment or the emotional attachment. it was great - it was like Last Tango in Paris. He'd call me in the middle of the day or night, say something naughty and then we'd make plans; he'd email fantasies that i'd either nix or give a thumbs up to. then we'd get together in his tiny overheated apartment and go at it.
i've *never* had that kind of intense sexual connection with anyone before or since. there were times i'd beg him to stop because it was too intense and it was freaking me out.
but then...he got attached. and i was confused. i thought we had already settled the terms of our arrangement. agreement needed renegotiation but i didn't want to, necessarily. i was happy with what we had. he became resentful. i became cruel. he got hurt feelings. i became distant. it imploded.
upthread, someone said that when it gets bad, walk - yes yes yes. there are no human connections that are devoid of...emotional landmines. so have fun but be very very strong.
go for it!
...just be sure you've got the emotional and mental fortitude.
i took a lover, and it was great for a while, but it gradually morphed into a quasi-relationship/friendship. and while i knew that it had gone from just a sex-based relationship, i sat in denial for weeks until she got upset when i casually joked about dating someone else.
i then had to break it off, b/c we were way past the "luvuh" stage.
so, my suggestions:
1. gird your mental/emotional loins.
2. don't blur the line, no matter how tempting.
3. when it starts going south, nip it in the bud. it's easier that way.
...i also think it's interesting/refreshing to see so many women's opinions on the subject. and so many willing to talk about it! good luck on your booty pursuits.
Post a Comment
<< Home