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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Adult Swim.

This post is about swimsuits. Big-lady swimsuits. (It'll be short, promise.) I hate them. They are all either floral cataclysms of death, neon cataclysms of death, floral-neon cataclysms of death, OH NO SHE DID NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH HER SHIT HANGING OUT cataclysms of death, or any one of the above, plus skirt.* It's almost impossible to find one with adequate "support," or better yet, an underwire. Why don't they all come with the comforting restriction of underwire? Huh? Because, frankly, I don't like the idea of my tits taking off in opposite directions as soon as I hit the water. Did I mention they are almost always fugly? I hate that. I wish all swimsuits were black long-sleeved bootcut swimsuits. That would be nice. Even bloody scuba wetsuits have tapered legs, and I hate tapered legs. The end. *I hate the skirts. I hate them. Why are they there? What do they cover? Who has a tiny, unappealing ring of fat only in the two inches around the thighs that these skirts cover. Nobody. Nobody. So you just made the suit even uglier for absolutely no fucking reason. Wunnerful.

7 Comments:

At 5/13/2005 12:24:00 AM, Blogger Viv said...

AMEN! Preach it my sister!

 
At 5/13/2005 03:11:00 AM, Blogger Mary said...

A few weeks ago, I had bought what I thought was a decent enough swimsuit to see me through the summer. It had that big band under the boobs (can I say boobs?) that I thought would be supportive. Why when I turned over on the chaise lounge JUST YESTERDAY, did both the twins sneak out the bottom? I was mortified. I'm sure all the neighbors in the apartment buildings surrounding the pool appreciated the shimmy and writhing I was doing to right myself again. Sigh. F swimsuits!

 
At 5/13/2005 03:50:00 AM, Blogger bobbie said...

That reminds me I'm going to a beach party soon and not being exactly svelte, I'm struggling with what to wear. Why anm i putting myself through this torture???!!!

 
At 5/13/2005 06:28:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found some stylish and supportive ones a few years back but I can't remember where I got them. I didn't pay a fortune for them either.

 
At 5/13/2005 10:47:00 AM, Blogger K. said...

I have been in fear of wearing a swimsuit for the past few years. Even though in the past year I have lost weight and toned up a bit, I still can't find anything that doesn't call attention to my flaws.

I'm all for the wetsuits.

 
At 5/13/2005 03:22:00 PM, Blogger Zantiferous3 said...

Girl please... let's not go there... this is horror season for those of us with some extra poundage and I feel you... right now I'm not even feeling a tank top or even low rise jeans. My shit is that critical. LOL. And support??? In a swimsuit? Fat chance honey.

 
At 5/14/2005 10:19:00 AM, Blogger Rhapsodi said...

THANK YOU! I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a "sexy" suit for the season. Why do they assume "thick" girls want to look horrible at the beach??? GRRRR!

 

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