Friday, July 01, 2005

Which chocolicious action heroine are you?

New quiz time! Wheeeeeeee! Aren't you excited?! Wheeeeeeee! Okay, pretend, shit. Chocolicious superdiva action heroines! They're everywhere these days! Actually, they aren't. In the history of comics and cinema, there have been, like, five. Maybe. so you probably know just which ones you have to choose from and could figure out which you most identify with all on your own, were you so inclined, without benefit of this little quiz, but, you know, I was in the mood. Choose the answer that best fits you and then scoring at the end, yadda yadda, you know the drill. 1. A night on the town! Where you goin'? a) To bust some suckas tryina pimp they old ladies. Then, out for chicken and waffles with Slim. That always gets my blood pumpin', suga! b) The Planetarium. I do so love to watch the skies. c) Out with my honey for seafood. After, we'll play around a bit and get ice cream, and I'll end the night curled up in his lap. d) Into that seedy bar to meet with Mongolian thugs so I can uncover the whereabouts of an acient crystal lingam... e) Spoken word performance, followed by some demon hunting. f) The Emmy's. 2. What you wearin'? a) A nurse's uniform by day, a whole lotta cleavage, my 'fro and some fly platforms by night! b) I have a thing for white jumpsuits. And capes. c) Black turtleneck, little black skirt, black tights, knee-high boots with a three inch heel and a canary-eating grin. d) Shorts, a tank top, a holstered Browning 9mm, a thigh sheath for my blade, a pair of Docs and my whip, which doubles quite handily as a belt. e) My locks, a tank top, some cammo cargo pants, a sword. f) Nothing Hermes, that's for sure. 3. What's your greatest, shall we say, supertalent? a) A rack to distract and a mean left hook, babies! b) I can part the heavens with a look. Also, I don't look like Elvis in this white jumpsuit. c) My balance is incredible, I can pull off a roundhouse in four inch Jimmy Choos. I'm also very lucky. It's like I have nine lives! d) A rack to distract and an incredible arsenal paid for by the trust my parents left me. Also, I'm quite handy with automatic weapons. e) Vampire slaying. Also, the fate of the world rests in my womb. f) Everybody loves me and does whatever I say, so I guess, mass mind control. 4. How did you discover it? a) When those pimpin', drug-dealin' fools killed my sister, the rage just took over! I seem to have a talent for whuppin' ass! b) I hated having my hair pressed. Every time my mama came near me with a hot comb, the rain just came pouring down. Eventually, we made the connection and she gave up trying to get me to sit still on Sunday afternoons. Now I just wear this big white wig and I always have a good hair day! c) Do you smell catnip? *wanders off* d) Discover it? I've been training for years. I've got a bloody obstacle course in my back yard and I've booby-trapped my own home for practice. Hmph. e) Marlene told me. f) The first time I heard one of my melanin-challenged sistren use the phrase "you go, girl!" I knew I held sway over them all, mwahahahaha! Ha! 5. You're pissed! How can we tell? a) My knee is in your balls, suga! b) Your skin will prickle, papers'll fly all over the place, wind'll come out of nowhere, and lots of white people around me have that funny staticky hair thing going on. c) I've peed in your underwear drawer. Just kidding! I'll scratch the shit outta you! d) I've killed your dogs, all of your guards, blown a hole through your front door, taken anything that I could find that might remotely be of use later on, like the first aid kits you've seen fit to leave laying around, and stolen your boat to escape with. e) I've doused you with holy water and run you though with my blade! f) It's all over Page Six and your stock just plummeted. Bitches. 6. A nice afternoon off for you is spent: a) Bustin' pimps and dealers! Or picking out my 'fro. b) Watching the Weather Channel, drooling over the local meteorologist, tending supertalented mutant youth. c) Curled up in a sunny bay window with a tuna sandwich and a bowl of berries and cream, watching the birdies and napping. d) Ropes course, a bit of swimming, some judo, and then a spot of tea. e) Ropes course, a bit of swimming, some judo, and then some lyric writing while I try not to think of my vamptastic boyfriend. f) Running with my dogs and eating cookies made with orange juice instead of butter, reviewing my boyfriend's expenses... 7) Quick, somebody's in trouble! What do you do? a) Whup some ass! b) Gather up the rest of the team and then start hurling lightning bolts from a safe distance. c) Do? Why should I care? d) Pick up the rifle over there next to the shipping crate, run back to the platform over the toxic waste where I think I saw some ammo... e) Holy water, crosses, my blade and my crew--go in and whip some Amanthra ass! f) Get my producers on it to gather up the appropriate guests and experts; write really big checks. 8. Your true love: a) Wears a feather or three in his cap, looks good in a brown leather duster, and knows how to handle his business! b) Love? What? I'm the asexual black team member! c) Thinks I'm very, very naughty. But he's a fine one to talk, running around in spandex and masks as he does... d) Stole the map and my commission, but he'll get his in the end. e) Is kinda in league with the Devil. No, really. But I think I can change him. f) Is my hairdresser. 9. I am so tired of this quiz right now. Which one of you needs a sidekick? a) I work alone, suga! b) I'm sorry, but until I see some latent mutant skillz, you're on your own. c) *roundhouse to my gut* I said who needs a sidekick, not I need my side kicked! d) How good are you at shooting, computer hacking, hand-to-hand combat and antiquing? e) Have you ever been attacked by vampires? Are you sure you want in? f) Sorry, Gail wouldn't like the competition. 10. Anything you'd like to add? a) Look out, suckas! I'm comin' to getcha! b) Looks like rain. c) *ignoring me, purring* Okay, quit rubbing yourself all up on my couch, hussy. d) Yes. Three boxes of ammo, one large and one small first aid kit... e) Don't invite anybody in after dark. f) Have you read Cane River yet? Oh, girl, it is so beautiful! Also, beware that Tom Cruise character. I've met him. He is nuts. Scoring Mostly As: You are Pam Grier in absolutely anything! Well done! I have no drugs and have never pimped anyone! Please don't hurt me! Mostly Bs: You are Halle Berry as Storm. You might notice that some of the answers seemed a little off. That would be because your character was really pretty fucking forgettable in the grand scheme of the X-Men movies. Better luck with your next superhero portrayal! Whoops, that was Catwoman! Well, we liked the new empowered you after that one, anyway! And you survived an attack--er, kiss--by Fred Durst in that "Behind Blue Eyes" video after Gothika came out. That has to count for something! Mostly Cs: You are Eartha Kitt's Catwoman! Meow! I have nothing else to say here, really! Mostly Ds: You are so not black! But you are taking this test, so here is your superwoman: Lara Croft! Yay! Later, we can go antiquing, but only if you promise to leave the gun at home. Mostly Es: You are Damali Richards, Neteru extraordinaire. Avoid fanged-men named Carlos, and you should be able to save the world juuuuuust fiiiiiine. But can you listen? No. Godamighty. We got mutant demon-vampire hybrids runnin' around, and you can't do this one little thing? Dammit! Mostly Fs: You are Oprah. You go, girl! Also, can I get a hookup? Like some tickets to one of your Christmas in July-type shows?


At 7/01/2005 11:05:00 AM, Blogger Viv said...

Scored as Lara Croft! I'm hoping for cool Croft (aka crazy Angelina Jolie) and not the shitty video games Lara Croft (man those camera angles sucked ass) -- why didn't you have a question about that?

What's your biggest weakness?

Shitty camera angles that don't let me see what's attacking me.

At 7/01/2005 12:00:00 PM, Blogger K. said...

I'm Eartha Kitt's Catwoman. As long as I'm not Halle Berry's Catwoman, who sucks. Purrrrrrr.

And (comic book nerd) She's not asexual, but male companions are few and far between for poor Storm. I'm pretty sure she's only had one boyfriend -- Forge. She's a working woman with no time for romance, that's it.

At 7/02/2005 12:14:00 AM, Blogger divine m said...

You are a genius.

Your quizzes are fookin' delish, man.

Wanna help me write one about Harry Potter?--my latest fluff assignment. . . .

At 7/06/2005 04:17:00 PM, Blogger Mahogany Elle said...

Took your quiz. (That was such fun!) So, apparently, I'm Oprah. Just waiting for the corresponding FAT check in the mail... tapping fingers on desk.


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