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Saturday, December 10, 2005

Because, really, I just have too many friends.

Are you like me? Dance-card too full? Want to thin the compatriot herd? Follow these eight simple steps to friendless success! 1. Complain regularly that no one ever comes to visit you. 2. Convince a friend to extend a business trip by a few days and fly into and out of your home city, even though business is in another city 400 miles away. Do this by promising to have several days off to hang out. 3. Now, agree to cover for a coworker on vacation without any thought as to how this will work out with #2. Manage to have no days off when friend will be in town. 4. Fail to recognize conflict until 27 hours before friend is scheduled to arrive. 5. Just before friend arrives, decide groceries are entirely obsolete. Have nothing in your cupboards but vodka infusions and oatmeal. 6. Abandon friend while at work, leaving her stranded and hungry in your space, hiding from your roommate. 7. Dehydrate her by any means necessary ('lectric heat, open bar at crashed holiday party, lack of groceries remotely resembling the cranberrilicious goodness belonging to roommate on right side of fridge). These simple steps should lose you a friend! But should there be any doubt about their desire to stick around, clinch the deal with this fail-proof affection killer: 8. Arrange her transportation to the airport online. Just make sure it's not any airport she actually needs to fly from, thereby rendering it not only remarkably frustrating for her to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to hop into a shared van, but also completely impossible to make her flight or connection! Flee to work in a cellular dead zone; this way you will not get any pesky voicemails or text messages about your misdeeds until any lingering goodwill is quite well and truly crushed! Feel free to contribute your own tips for reversal. Fuck.

2 Comments:

At 12/11/2005 12:25:00 AM, Blogger Viv said...

My way to win people back:

1. Send chocolate with a special, "I'm sorry I was an ass," card.

2. Send flowers with the "I'm really sorry I was an ass," card.

3. Send stuffed animal with the "I'm really, really sorry I was an ass," card.

4. Send bling with the "I'm so very sorry," card.

5. Send hookers and blow with the "I'm so verry, very, really, really, extra-super-duper sorry," card.

6. Show up and beg for forgiveness like in U2's Sweetest Thing video.

7. If the person refuses to see you, caterwaul outside of their place until they either let you in out of embarassment or the cops show up.

Then again, I'm just good at calling and saying, "I'm sorry I was an fookin' idiot."

 
At 12/12/2005 04:16:00 PM, Blogger Dragonslayer said...

Oh no!

 

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