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Sunday, January 15, 2006

God Damn the Internets.

So ma mere has a wee bit of le boeuf with mon pere (a la the lovely and talented Ms. Golden, re:The Sperm Donor). Ma mere seems to really, really love to work herself up into a good frothy rage whenever she's got a spare minute, you see. She had a spare minute. She Googled mon pere. She sent me the results. Now, you may know from past MF-related posts that we have issues, he and I. Basically, as regards him, I'm done. Not mad, not curious, just done. So when I got the Google info from my mama, I was tempted to ignore it, or at least not follow any of the links. Two were just links to some educational board of directors he serves on, with his complete current contact info right there in the link description. Blah bloody blah. (I've officially gotten to the age where I might soon reasonably be expected to support his old ass, so you better believe I'm not tracking him down now, lol. Though I do now officially know what year he graduated from Fucked-Up Black Men University, I didn't know that before.) But one was a link to an ancestry/family-tree site (or so it seemed) and while I could care less about MF, I have been thinking about doing a family tree for a while now. So I clicked. This is what I learned: 1. Contrary to family assertions, a goodly chunk of my father's people are from the South, just like my mama's! As far as I could see, only one (okay, maybe two) folks were West Indian. And apparently not even from where I thought. I was thinking Jamaica. Try St. Kitts. WTFE. Of course, my paternal grandmother's information wasn't listed, so maybe the assertions were about her, but again, WTFE. 2. I remember very few things from my early childhood, but one of them is my really rather nice step-mother, who was married to MF by the time I was three or four and divorced from him before I hit puberty. And yet, that family tree puts TWO marriages between my mother and step-mother. Um. Saywhatnow? I mean, there wouldn't even be any reason to list said relationships unless there were offspring, which clearly there was with my mother, and yes, there were as well with my step-mother. Now, I know those fine children, and I just met another sibling from one of his relationships after the step-mother. So do I have at least two siblings I've never even HEARD of? That is some bullshit right there. And I mean, damn, two in what, three years? Negro, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON. 3. As it turns out, the whole site was the creation of a relative who was a member of a once-popular pop band, and its purpose was to establish and display our family's descent from a figure only known to scholars of black history, religion and the South. And to maybe talk up his own illustrious music career. Um. While a little odd, not so bad as the revelation that the whole reason said relative lived with me and MF and my step-mother when I was little was BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO BY THE JUDGE WHO HEARD HIS FUCKING JUVENILE CRIMINAL CASE. So, yep, I love him and he's great now and all, but I SPENT CHUNKS OF MY YOUTH BEING BABYSAT BY A CRIMINAL?!?!?!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!? That's it. I'm giving up my blog-moniker. Just call me Humility in the City. Or Careful, My People Might Rob You in the City. Or Fuck Me, I Could Have a Million Man March with my Siblings Alone in the City. *hanging head* I've got to tell my mother to stop sharing.

7 Comments:

At 1/16/2006 01:04:00 AM, Blogger Berry said...

Lo siento...I understand totally. :(

 
At 1/16/2006 01:14:00 AM, Blogger Sid said...

Thanks Mademoiselle B. I'm actually okay with it. It's kind of funny, actually. I realize rereading this post that I sound reallyreally traumatized, when in fact I find some of it, like that last bit with the Jr. Thug sitter, really kinda hilarious. Of course, I know him and love him, as he is mon oncle, and quite a pussycat, so clearly his little detour to my father's house did him a world of good, lol. It's just all too strange.

 
At 1/16/2006 02:13:00 AM, Blogger Mary said...

Damn Google. I'm not even going to try and look up my sister. My brother starts in on stories and I'm like LA LA LA LA on the phone.

 
At 1/16/2006 06:54:00 PM, Anonymous Faith said...

FUBMU = Harvard?! LOL!!

Actually, when I first saw that link my first thought was...Morehouse. But that's more like STUCK-UP Black Man University!

And yeah, your mom shouldn't suck you into the path of her bitterness tsunami. It's not fair to you...

 
At 1/16/2006 10:50:00 PM, Blogger ding said...

i totally hear you. (and i, too, thought you were talking morehouse - but you're actually totally right about harvard!)

my dad chose to share about our family tree one holiday and it was like an effing freak show: drunks, molesters, drug addicts, mental defects, more molesters and hey, my aunt used to be a stripper!

good times.

 
At 1/17/2006 10:28:00 AM, Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

Ding, I think we may be related. :)

 
At 1/19/2006 03:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally understand where you are coming from -- I have a half-sib that I've never met. And perhaps others! Why can't men keep it in their pants?

 

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