Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Reality checks, and other unpleasantries.

1. What drug-addled studio exec greenlighted The Guardian ? Kevin Costner hasn't been able to carry a film since, what, Robin Hood? And Ashton Kutcher never has and never will be able to carry one. And IT'S ABOUT THE FUCKING COAST GUARD. Not even. Coast Guard school. (I know, it's called the academy. Creative license.) HELLO?!?! Earth to Hollywood? Newsflash: While, in reality, the Coast Guard handles some hardcore natural disaster isht, all the sexy points go to the other armed forces. Wait--do we even consider them part of the armed forces? I'm confused. And either way, show of hands: who saw Annapolis? Anybody? No one? Yeah. That's because no one gives two shits about military academy films anymore.

2. I really need to stop opening my Myspace mail. Today I opened a message that looked like it was from one of those party-girl types (you know, the ones who try to add everyone in the history of Myspace ever to their friends lists?) but turned out to be very, very different:

"I know this is random, but I work for a fertility agency. I hope you aren't offended with me writing you. I was just on myspace and I happen to notice you. I think you are absolutely stunning. Have you considered ever being an egg donor? It is completely confidential, and relatively painless and it doesn't reduce your fertility or anything silly like that. It really is a great opportunity to help a breast cancer survivor or an infertile couple. It pays anything from 6,000 to 15,000 dollars. It takes about 6 weeks and you can donate up to 6 times in your life. The time commitment is minimal and it won't really affect your school or work. If you are at all interested, I would love to talk to you more about it."

What. The. Fuck? I'm not offended, really. I mean, I remember being an undergrad and finding ads in the student paper seeking white and Asian donors only, so I'm glad we're all going equal opportunity here. But clearly someone did not notice my age in that profile box. I'm rolling up on 30 (only another year and a half, bitches! Spit-shine those party hats!), and there's no way I'll be ready to start popping out anklebiters any time soon. Which means, by the time I am ready, I'll need all of my damn eggs, 'kay? Also, relatively painless? I feel for the poor girl who falls for that line, ignoring the "relatively" and focusing on "$6,000-$15,000" and "painless." Shooting yourself full of fertility drugs on a regular basis is fucking painful. Having someone invade your girlie bits to get at your eggsac? Painful. Personally, knowing there's someone who's half-me running around somewhere in Chelsea or on the UES, whom I would never meet? Pain-fucking-full. Oh, the lies people tell themselves, each other. And all for a few grand. Sigh. Please, someone, anyone: tell me you've gotten a message like this, too, and I'm not the only one getting this stuff?

Here's another winner:

"Hey guy..

So, looks like the time has arrived for me to finally start using this account. I can resist no more.. Let the obsession begin! I took a gander though your page and well, I liked what I saw.. :p

So, they call me XXXX. I think me and you should be friends, cause you seem pretty fun, and interesting, and possibly cute! (it's so hard to tell in this cold digital world.. :)

anyways, i would go on forever, but I'd like to get an answer from you first!"

Wow. The moral here? If you plan to send out mass emails meant to look personalized and like you really care, use gender neutral pronouns, genius.

3. Listerine whitening mouthwash. Hate it. It isn't nearly as nasty as regular Listerine, but 15 minutes after I've used it, I find myself pulling a weird, eggyjizzy film out of my mouth.


At 7/27/2006 04:46:00 PM, Blogger QuietlyGoingMad said...

I considered the egg donor thing...but thought of pretty much giving up everything I love in life (bad for me food, booze, smoky bars, booze) put me off of it. And that six week thing--complete BS. A person typically has to commit to 4-6 months of living under a set of pretty stringent guidelines, not to mention the drugs, the probing, the pain of someone sticking a needle that looks like it came from a B-Grade sci-fi flick into your hoo-haa to extract said eggs....*SHUDDER x 10*

At 7/28/2006 09:32:00 PM, Blogger Mary said...

I heard that listerine flavor sucks butt. I use the orange kind.


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