Black Women, Black Men, and Interracial Dating.
After reading, and then linking, that Blackfeminism.org post, I got to thinking about our attitudes about interracial dating. The theory goes that black women are against it, largely because we lose out, while black men are rushing off in droves to other women, while still managing to muster ire over black women who date interracially. I told you I would eventually throw in my two cents. This one will be really deep. So brace yourselves. ER'RYBODY NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS! I don't care if you, as a black man, are dating a non-black woman. Really. I don't. And do you know why? Because it is none of my muhfuggin' business. The only reason seeing you with a non-black woman would irk me would be if you got all defensive and starting spouting some bullshit about why other women are superior to black women. Then, we gots le boeuf. However, if you would keep your goddamned mouth shut, I'll assume you are a happy, compatible couple. If some ignant ass gets all up in your face about why you're dating who you're dating, and you give enough of a shit to respond, say you care about the woman and you two have an assload in common, you know, the reasons anybody dates another person. And then tell them to fuck off. Great. Easy. See, I'm happy fo' ya. Move it along. Now. If you see me with a non-black man, and this has been known to happen: keep your goddamned mouth shut. (You like how keeping your goddamned mouth shut works for both scenarios, right? I like streamlined efficiency plans, myself.) You have no claim to me. I don't want to hear shit about betrayal, or my womb and our race, etc., so on, and so forth. And no, it doesn't mean I don't date black men. It might just mean I ain't interested in your triflin' ass, okay? Hard to swallow, I know, but just keep it in mind as a possibility. (This is especially irritating to me as I recall, vividly, certain guys in college gossiping like two little bitchy bitches about how they just knew I only liked white boys, because one of those muhfuggas couldn't figure out how to get into my pants. Mind you, the other of those two bitches was regularly hooking up with a Korean girl, while his black girlfriend was doing her thang at our rival school, but that was okay, I guess. *eyeroll*) Just zip it. Shut the fuck up. Because I assure you, I will be bitch enough to exercise my right to tell you to STFU to your face. I'm not tryin'a explain shit. My business, not yours. Now, a note to my sisters: All this hollerin' some of us got goin' on? Needs to stop. What's done is done. If a brother has decided to date out, do you really think sniping at him over some shit that IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS, in the strictest sense, will charm him back? Intimidate him back? What? And even if he was a one-time denouncer of black women who has, thanks to your subtle remonstrance, sworn off non-black women forever, da hell you want him for? Let that shit go. Take care of yourself (in every way--physically, spiritually, emotionally) and find someone who wants you, if that's what you seek, no matter what color he is. Or choose only to date black men. That's fine too. But it is a choice. And another note to my brothers: For real? Shut the fuck up. Thx. I mean, do your thing and all, but don't go telling yourself black women are the problem. The ones you have been seeing MIGHT have been a problem, but that speaks to your crap-ass judgement. Stop chasing crazy hoochie bitches, and stop whining about how goddamned hard you've got it when you know we've got it bad, too, and we ain't out in the street at all hours and we've got a job or two and we put ourselves through school and. And. And. We get it. We know. Your life is hard. So is ours. Man up and start showing us the respect you demand, and you should be alright with a sister, too, dumbass. Is the issue always this cut-and-dried? No. Could it be if we all learned to mind our own damned business and keep our goddamned mouths shut? I think yes. That is all. *crickets*
posted by Sid @ 5/21/2005 09:25:00 AM
5 Comments:
On the Asian end of things -- a lot of this reminds me of the comments Asian American men have of Asian American women dating/marrying white. Their argument is that Asian women are seen as an "exotic" prize for white men and so those chicks (myself included) are getting swept away and brainwashed by the white man.
Horseshit I say. We choose who we choose. I think you've got the best argument for "mind your own fucking business," but I'm sympathetic to the roots of the anger and hostility. The whole interracial dating thing might be the stacking on of one slight after another (which are legitimate -- racism, sexism, other isms) that just compound into a big-ass ball of anger and frustration.
I know the fears of "diluting" culture and race. I've talked it over with my husband frequently and we've come to certain understandings. Interracial relationships aren't always easy. But shit, life ain't easy.
But to take that anger out on one couple is a bit petty if you ask me.
Yeah, Viv, I know what you mean. I'm not an unsympathetic gal (all the time); I know that there really are several people, like the guys linked in the bf.org post, who truly have objectified and exoticised people outside their own race, and for some, dating out really is a prize. That doesn't mean all or even most interracial relationships are like that, though. Unfortunately, many people treat them like they are. Like you, in an IR, don't have the good sense to make a clear-headed, objective judgement about the person you're with, because you've been blinded by the whiteness or whatever. Please. Puh-leeeeeze. How fucking condescending. Besides, considering all the other stupid shit people use as criteria for a partner, who's to judge?
I actually read something recently, maybe linked through Shasta (and if not, I'm sure she'd know what I'm talking about, anyway) in which the argument is made that Asian men should start dating black women. Alas, I think that may be a bit unlikely to occur on a large scale. I mean, I've done it, and race was never an issue in our relationship. But it was pretty short, so maybe it would have come up eventually.
I'm straying. I think my main reason for adopting the "mind your own fucking business" stance is that it is really the simplest to grasp. No matter what your objections may be--personal, political, whatever--you can just mind your own business. And leave the couple to sort themselves out.
Three snaps in a circle! LOL
And, thanks for the shout on the I Pod post. Hype post, you are linked, my friend :)
I feel the need to point out, as well, that I am not anti-black men. Rereading this, I feel like it might come across that way, considering I hurled a few "dumbasses" and what have you. Such judgements are only leveled at the types of guys linked in the blackfeminism.org post. Of course I luh' my brothas!
Damn, Sid, I thought we was cool, and then you had to go say all those mean things about me. I'm hurt.
I'm just kidding.
It's been well established that I'm not the dating sort. When I do go on dates, I tend to date Black women. I'm not opposed to dating others. The only woman I've dated (more than two dates) who wasn't Black, was Latina, and I married her. Honestly, I think it just opportunity that keeps me within the race.
Here's the kicker, I've got friend who swears up and down that I only date White women, when, in fact, I never have. Of course, she's got a bias. She wants to get with me and I won't have it because she has the emotion maturity of a 12-year-old.
So whenever I hear someone who has beef with interracial dating/couples, I think about my friend, and wonder what bias/mental incapacity to they have.
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