Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Bitch-in-Kitch Nineish: More goddamned soup.

Loaf Originally uploaded by Siddity.

*Sid, in the general direction of Loaf's last known location* Sid: Loaf, I'm really enjoying these few days off. I'm cleaning, I'm taking care of all the stuff I let fall by the wayside these last few months, I'm getting my life in order. I think I'm finally getting back on track! *Loud clangs from kitchen, sounds of glass bottles rattling* Sid: Loaf? What are you doing in there? *Gets up to take a look* Loaf, hurrying into room: Oh, nothing, just, uh, doing some inventory in the kitchen. What'd you say? Sid: I'm getting back on track, I said! I think it's time to start cooking! What have we got in the kitchen? Loaf, looking nervous: Oh, not much, not much at all. Like, an old tub of yogurt and the 37 cans of chickpeas your folks bring down every time they visit. I swear, why they keep buying the damn things if they don't never eat 'em and just pass 'em off to you? And why in the HELL don't you ever say no? Sid: Oh, they never tell me they're bringing things. Plus, you never know when you'll need 37 cans of chickpeas. Which reminds me! Did you see that ckickpea soup recipe in the September O?!? Loaf: Bitch, I'm a gangsta-ass slice of bread. Do I look like I read some muhfuggin' O? Sid: Point. Anyway, there was a good-looking recipe for chickpea soup in the September O. Loaf: How good-lookin', like, on a scale of 1-10? And don't give me no bullshit about personality. Sid: Ohjesus. I'm going to pretend you didn't just hint that you'd like to molest my as-yet-unmade soup, and ask you if you'd like to help me make said soup. Which would, you know, kinda make you the soup-daddy, and therefore, you'll have to keep your little pervy mitts off, get it? Loaf, innocent, you-must-be-crazy face: ??? What in the hell are you talkin' about??? Can you be any crazier? Soup-daddy? What? You slippin'. Sid, looking at the little slice dubiously: You don't fool me. I know you're up to something. But I'm going to buy the ingredients. Don't fuck anything up. Loaf, turning back and heading for the kitchen before Sid finishes: Yeah yeah. Bye. Bitch. *Sid departs without so much as glancing at the actual recipe, heads for Zabar's for a handy container of chicken consomme, parsley, and a carrot muffin. Returns, ingredients in hand* Okay! I think I've got everything I need! Let's get started! *Looks at recipe* Sid: Okay, 3 cans chickpeas--check. Three tablespoons olive oil--check. Eight cloves garlic--Eight? is they crazy? I'll use three big ones instead. Red pepper flakes--oh, damn. Rosemary--double damn. Why'd I get parsley? This is like some Middle Eastern lentil soup mixup. Whatevs, I'll use it for that nummy Syrian flair. Rosemary is so bloody Gallic. Er, or something. Lemon--shit. I have lemon juice in a bottle? Sea salt--checkity-check. Four cups chicken stock--gahbless Zabar's and its "chicken consume." Teehee. I love that the labelers there misspell things. It's endearing. Now, whaddowegottado? Loaf, you done the prep yet? Loaf: Uh, *hic* no. I'mma go take a nap. Sid: Fine. I'll make it myself. *Reading recipe to self* Saute minced rosemary, red pepper flake and minced garlic in olive oil over medium-high heat until garlic, I'll swap the rosemary for parsley and a little dried rosemary, screw the red pepper...done. Add drained and rinsed chickpeas and cook two minutes, stirring constantly...done. Add chicken broth and bring to boil. Done. Simmer 30 minutes. Done. Allow to cool slightly. Blend soup in blender a cup at a time until smooth...haha, I gots my hand blender, bitches...done. Add lemon juice and sea salt to taste, drizzle with olive oil. Easy peasy, muhfuggas. A tablespoon of lemon juice, a teaspoon of sea salt, and I am...done! Yay! *Sid tastes* Mmm. That's delicious. A little thick, though. I'll just add the rest of the consomme...two cups, total of six. Better. Okay, now that's truly delicious. I love soup. I should just change the name of this feature to Bitch-makes-soup-in-Kitch. Mmmm. Now, what should I serve this with? Loaf! Loaf, startling awake on the counter, where he's been lounging: What! What do you want! Sid: What should we have with this chickpea soup? It's really good, by the way. But what do you think? A crusty bread? Maybe a nice tabbouleh salad? A pinot gris? What? Loaf: Why are you asking me this shit? Do I look like I know? Sid, staring pointedly at the chef's hat perched jauntily on the top pf Loaf', self* That damn hat better mean something, because it ain't cute. Loaf, sucking teeth: Fine. Go get some pita bread and the wine. I'll work something out here for afters. *Sid leaves cheerfully, returns an hour later with absolutely nothing she set out to get* Sid: Loaf! We're having couscous!

*Loaf, startling, banging head on cupboard shelf* Dammit! What? I thought you hated couscous. What happened to wine and pita bread?

Sid: Eh, I had an burst of inspiration in the bulk grain aisle. I'm going to make a sweet couscous side! And we can have a little cocktail made from one of the infusions for dessert! *runs off to kitchen giddily and begins to unpack bag* Gimme a hand this time, will ya?

*Loaf, sidling out of the room* Uh, I have to go trim my crust or some shit. *flees*

Sid: Okayfine. Damn. Now, couscous. In this case, Israeli couscous. It's just big. One cup couscous to 1 1/2 cup water. Cook over low heat for ten minutes and fluff with fork. Simple enough. I think I'll tart it up with nuts and figs and apricots.

Like so:

1 c. Israeli couscous

1 1/2 c. water

1/2 c. chopped walnuts

1/2 c. chopped dried apricots

3 chopped dried figs

3 tbs. butter

vanilla, cinnamon and honey to taste

Cook couscous in water over low heat for 10 minutes. While couscous is cooking, in separate pan melt one tbsp. butter and toast walnuts. Add remaining butter and saute walnuts, figs and apricots for 1-2 minutes, until apricots begin to brown around edges. Remove from heat. When couscous is ready, add it and vanilla to fruit and nut mixture and return to heat. Mix well. Serve sprinkled with cinnamon and drizzled with honey.

That's some fine couscousery.

Okay, now I just need to whip up a yummy after dinner drink with my chai vodka infusion and some cream...

*Peeks into cupboard* Wait a minute. Where're my infusions?



*worst ending ever. Revisions when inspiration strikes.


At 8/24/2005 07:37:00 PM, Blogger Berry said...

Yay! Loaf is back! You've been tagged...what've you been listening to lately?

At 8/24/2005 07:39:00 PM, Blogger divine m said...

Yay! Loaf's back!

And god bless you child for never, ever following a recipe. Glad this one turned out dalish. . . .

And damned if you didn't get one script done today, even if it's not one you're getting paid to do. . . .

You certainly got more done on your to-do list today than I did . . .

but somehow I did manage to acquire a lottery ticket. Dunno. Guess I felt lucky.

If I win, we're spending it in SF, baby!

At 8/24/2005 09:35:00 PM, Blogger maryann said...

damn. i was gonna say yay! loaf is back! but it seems that everyone else has said that too.

so... um, loaf's back. cool. maybe i'll try the soup. :)

At 8/25/2005 08:56:00 AM, Blogger divine m said...

You are the most creative little bitch I know, and I lurve ya for it!

At 8/25/2005 10:29:00 AM, Blogger Sid said...

M--ha, your fancy oatmeal mixin' was my inspirazione to add such yummy thangs to my couscous! I really love this israeli couscous, by the way. A bigger, smoother grain than normal, and it really makes a yum desserty dish. I just had some for breakfast with a cup of delicious yogurt. God in heaven, all of life should be so decadent.

At 8/25/2005 05:42:00 PM, Anonymous Xquizzyt1 said...

I LOVE Loaf!!! It's about TIME he's back!!! LMAO He's a hot mess... and I'm sooo mad that they spelled it c-o-n-s-u-m-e. LOL *selling the lablers an 'o'* and I'll even let them do an even exchange for the extra 'm' if they ask nicely!!! =)))

At 8/25/2005 11:11:00 PM, Blogger Viv said...

Yay for LOAF! And that recipie sounds damned good.


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